Dear 16 Year Old Me

by Michelle Posted on May 16, 2012

You will go to prom with your friends and have a great time.

Your senior year will be fantastic.

You will learn that college is hard.

You will learn that finding yourself is hard.

You will loose interest in finding a soul mate and gain interest in finding a companion you love, trust, are attracted to and can talk to.

You will get married to someone, who at 5 years of being married, you like better than when you met.

You will have a son who is amazing and challenging in many ways.

You will learn that you can cook.

You will learn that you can make bread.

You will learn the virtues and vices of being Suzy Homemaker and realize why a career is important to you.

You will always flirt with the idea of being a lawyer.

You will graduate from college, 12 years after you started, with your B.A.

You will find amazing people who you have fantastic connections.

You will become comfortable with being alone.

You will learn that you are an introvert and learn to own that.

You will be taught to own and recognize your boundaries.

You will learn to stand up for yourself and assert your boundaries.

You will continue to volunteer, lest you miss something in your life.

You will identify with social justice and the environment and work to teach people about that. Your goals won’t change much, just their execution.

You will make travel happen, and you will do it alone. This will frighten your mother but will also make her stronger.

You will go through reckless, learning phases, and then you will re-own the responsible attribute for which you are so commended.

You will reconnect with your father. You will begin to come to terms with your growing up.

You will learn more about health and take it for granted, less. You will learn what a chronic disease means.

You will experience grief you never knew possible, despite all you’ve been through. It will make your family stronger. You will learn you don’t need to be ashamed of emotion.

You will learn that being a “know-it-all” is part of your learning strength.

Dear sixteen year old me – you will survive and learn to love trying.

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Monday, May 14: Spreading the Food Word

by Michelle Posted on May 14, 2012
Mommy & Levi
Mommy & Levi (Photo credit: alexis22578)

Tonight, I had the opportunity to discuss buying clubs with a newly formed club. They were focused, enthralled, and concentrated on every word I said. It was like I was telling a beautiful fiction they’d never heard, simply focused on everything I had to say. And, to think, I wasn’t even sure on the intent of my being there once Levi and I got there.

A friend mentioned to me a few weeks ago that people in her neighborhood were starting a buying club. Connecting the distance between the city and the farms which we depend on is important to me. So, if there’s an opportunity to chat with people about buying clubs, I take it. I offered to chat, and my friend made the connections. She told me the time of the meeting, and I told her when I could be there. I neglected to ask if there was a standing agenda or how much time I’d have.

We didn’t make it by 6:30pm. We made it by 6:50pm. They were gracious and encouraged us to sit and listen. Us was of course me and Levi. Unfortunately, there were no other kids. When there are no other kids, Levi gets quite excitable. That is, he gets rambunctious because he’s not getting the attention he wants.

Suddenly, the door to the room adjacent opened and an older gal gave a 5 minute warning. I understood that to mean 5 minutes until we had to leave. Now, I was questioning why I was there. Why did we bust our bums to get out there, 30 minutes away from home, to not share any knowledge with a bored 5-year-old who wants attention?

The organizer must have noticed my grumpy face because she clarified the agenda for me. It was 5 more minutes of the separate groups and then the groups got together to debrief together. Perhaps, I considered, my time wasn’t wasted after all.

They debriefed and started finishing their debrief, at which point Levi told me he had to go to the bathroom. So, we went to the bathroom. Naturally, this was a longer visit. Finally, we emerged and everyone was quiet. And staring at us! The organizer told me they were ready! I quipped we had good timing. Now, I was relieved that we hadn’t got there at 6:30pm. We’d have waited an extra 2o minutes… twenty minutes longer than we already waited!

I still wasn’t sure what they were expecting, so I simply went from what I planned on saying. I began by introducing myself and why I was invited to come, my connection to the group through a mutual friend. I checked my assumptions that the group was newly formed and had only completed a few buys by asking the questions to the group. I stood up the whole time.  And Levi literally ran circles around me. I had my notes. I had culled through my notes after listening to them talk. They didn’t, for example, need a rehashing of why buying clubs are necessary. They are living why.

So, I talked. I talked about what we do, and how we do it. I was flying through my notes. Occasionally instructing Levi to be calmer. Suddenly, a gal in the back said, “Wow, you have a lot of really rich information.” Oh! This is my time check. How long have I been talking? How long did I have? It didn’t really matter. It was 8 o’clock, and people want to go home. So, I passed out business cards and gave a sample of my presentation. Then, chatted with various people in the groups. We’ll have more meetings. Must get them invited to the buying club get togethers!

The point is bringing the city closer to the farms. Or rather, the farms to the city. Good governance is the mission, and through food. With everyone so enthralled and so excited – it is within reach.

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It’s Mother’s Day

by Michelle Posted on May 13, 2012
The Husband
The Husband, a humorous picture from Easter 2011. (Photo credit: alexis22578)

Disclaimer: This is sort of a grumpy post.

A few days ago, I was asked, “What are you doing for mother’s day?” I answered, “Oh, I’ll probably have to do dishes, make bread, you know…” “What do you want to do?” was the response. “I don’t want to do dishes, I want to be shown I’m appreciated.” “Well, then what you need to do is say, ‘I’m not doing dishes.’” I tried to explain that doesn’t work in my family and that the dishes would simply be waiting for me the next day.

True to form, this Mother’s Day has been more or less like any other. Any other day, for that matter. It’s not that it’s been a bad day – but it hasn’t been particularly special. And, ultimately, that’s what I wanted – to be treated special.

My husband asked me, to his credit, what I wanted. He wanted to know how he could show me that he appreciates me. I told him I didn’t want to do dishes on Mother’s Day, nor did I really want to make any food. So, we went out for Thai on Friday night. But, that’s not Sunday. I want to get caught up in this collective silliness and celebrate the day on the day, not two days before.

Sunday morning rolls around, and Levi is the first up. I get up shortly after Levi, and begin by … you guessed it .. cleaning the kitchen. I can’t make breakfast if the kitchen is messy. So, I finished putting dishes away and reloaded the dishwasher. Then, I started to make breakfast, at which point, my husband got up. He immediately realized that I was doing dishes and making food on this day. And, he clearly felt remorseful, but he always claims he can’t cook – so how is he really going to help?

We ate, cleaned up, and prepared for our next adventure: Home Depot. The husband has been desiring a trip for some time, so we could collectively decide and plan on more planter boxes for our backyard. Sure, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time, but again — my favorite Mother’s Day errand? Not hardly.

All told, it hasn’t been a bad day. No one has been mean. No one has been incredibly disrespectful. And, certainly, no one has been spiteful. But, it hasn’t been special.

I can’t answer the question of what I would want to be treated in a way that my family shows me they appreciate me. A card would have been nice, but I’ve even forgotten cards for other events (my own mother! for example). So, that’s not a deal breaker. I don’t need breakfast in bed. What would it be? Cereal and milk? That’s not what I like to eat for breakfast.

I was able to explain to my husband tonight that doing housework makes me feel like a maid or cook for my family. Sure, they say thank you after meals, but mostly I feel like a made-to-order cook. I work for me. I’m home for my family.

Levi did a sweet thing. He arranged the couch so we could both share it, lying down, to show me that he appreciates me. My husband has another layer peeled off of understanding. We’ll see how next year goes.

Yes, all told, not a bad day – despite the learning we still have before us.

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Mission Driven

by Michelle Posted on May 8, 2012

More than twenty. I’ve been ballsier about admitting this lately. More than twenty jobs. Most of which were held in my twenties. Twenty for twenty.

I used to think it was me. I owned the responsibility for having this many jobs. I owned the lack of synergy, or getting along, or poor money management. But, the reality is, I had little control over many of those things.

I am learning about myself — more — and one reason for moving to so many jobs is simply my desire to know more. I love to learn. And, as a learner, I get bored — easily. I have also learned that of anything I need to own, it’s my need for belief. That is, I need to believe in the organizations where I spend my time. I suspected this in my twenties, but it was difficult for me to narrow my interests as … I was still learning about myself. (Not that that learning is over! It’s just getting clearer and more focused!)

Recently, someone stated the obvious. “Boy!” she exclaimed, “You’ve worked for a lot of dysfunctional organizations!”

Yes! I have! One organization lost $8 million in their reserve, BEFORE I was even hired on! How could I own that? That’s not a responsible way to go about life. I can’t own EVERYONE’s mistakes. That’s a huge disservice to me.

Yes, these organizations were dysfunctional. They lacked vision, leadership, and couldn’t organize around a central theme because the leaders couldn’t focus the employees. It has to be more than “We want the organization to succeed.” Organizations can succeed in many ways. They can serve their clients and constituents. They can make a lot of money. Or, they can do a lot of things. I am starting to wonder, though, if success and focus should be more defined by mission focus. I am starting to wonder if a clear mission focus is enough to centralize teams past dysfunction.

If a team’s dysfunction starts with distrust, and if distrust can be defined by misunderstood intent, then maybe a mission focus can appease intent and help build trust. If absence of mission focus gives ego more space, which often gives suggestions and priorities and advice that is not equal to compelling information but more in line with career advancement, then maybe mission focus is a way to re-engerize a team passed self-interest.

Teams, I am learning, stay in tact because they have community. We can’t get around it. We have to constantly be building community. We have to care about those we spend 40 hours a week if we want to continue spending 40 hours a week there.

I’m not sure where that puts me right now. But, it certainly gives me thoughts for organizations I have a controlling interest. It gives me confidence for the choices we’ve made and how we move forward.

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Monday, May 7th

by Michelle Posted on May 7, 2012

It’s Monday, May 7th. Another busy day at work. A day full of meetings and interruptions and not checking much off the to-do list. Another day in a series of days that have made me realize: I don’t like fast paced environments.

But, I don’t like slow-paced environments either. I want a perfect balance where chaos and down time perfectly coalesce in a sublime environment.

Is that too much to ask?

I am also sick and tired of working for dysfunctional organizations with little hope of improving. I want to work for an organization that runs or tries really hard to run well. I want to work inside of a team that is united towards a common goal. I want to work within a team that puts ego aside most of the time. I want to work with an organization that respects the opinions and experiences of its teammates. I want to work for an organization where the leader understands our growing trend of collaborative decision-making in grassroots planning.

I can’t find them. Or I’m not looking in the right place. Either way, I come to the same conclusion I came to when I started working: I want to teach what I know and I want to do it where I’m the boss. Maybe my sister was right, I’m just a know-it-all who can’t take direction well from others.

How to get paid doing what I’m good at? How to get the concrete experience to build up the skills to support my strengths? Get it. Find it. Do it. Working on that, but things are slow-moving, which doesn’t help seeing the light at the end of the rut tunnel.

Patience. That’s what I was supposed to have learned from the 2 (3) years of not “working.” Eventually, the job came. And, when I took it, it all seemed perfect. I’ve changed in the interim. My goals have clarified, or switched tracks. And, just as when I realized I wanted to go back to school and study Sustainable Urban Development — I couldn’t wait for it to start, to take off, to study, to finish.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

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